Understanding Grief

Grief is the emotion we feel when we experience a loss and is a normal reaction to the loss of a loved one, a lifestyle or something we wish we still had. Grief affects everyone differently and lasts varying lengths of times.

Healthy grief is understanding that your emotions are a reaction to a loss, there are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ ways to feel. However unhealthy grief can develop in a number of ways. Signs of unhealthy grieving include;

• bottling up your feelings about the loss, this is usually followed by a sudden outburst of an emotion such as anger or sadness.
• Overwhelming sadness & crying. It is healthy to be upset and feel sad for some time after a loss. Becoming emotional when talking about a loved one who has passed or when you remember them is normal, however, as time passes it should become easier to do so. If  you have experienced a bereavement a long time ago and continue to experience the ‘raw’ sadness, this type of grief may no longer be helpful.
• Turning to alcohol or drugs to help numb the pain experienced from the loss.

There are no guidelines on how to work through grief. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler have outlined five stages experienced by many people when they are grieving. The stages are outlined below and include denial, acceptance, anger, bargaining, and depression. It is important to remember that although these stages are often presented in the order of 1-5 everyone experiences grief differently and you may not experience the stages in a linear process. You may reach stage 3 before encountering stage 1, or, you may drift between stages and return to the same stage time and time again. The five stages of grief are not intended to be guideline on ‘how to’ grieve but rather, there aim is to help individuals experiencing grief understand their feelings.

Denial is the first of the five stages of grief. It serves an important function as it helps us to survive the loss. You may experience a sense of shock and denial, often described as a numb sensation. This experience is important because it helps us pace our sensation of grief, if we were to feel everything at once we may become overwhelmed. Denial is often seen in the early stages of grief and should fade with time.

Anger is another stage in the grieving experience. While you may not understand the anger, try and be accepting of the sensation. The more you feel the anger the sooner it will dissipate and the more you will heal. You may find the anger is expressed towards those around you, it is important to recognise that often beneath the anger is a real pain, with questions about why and how the death of someone has happened.

Bargaining Bargaining is sometimes recognised alongside denial. You may begin to say things such as ‘If i could just see them one more time then…’ Guilt is often bargaining’s companion. The “if only’s” cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we “think” we could have done differently. We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt.

Depression. This often comes around the time of acceptance. Empty feelings and the acknowledgement of the grief that we feel brings our attention to the depths of the sadness we may feel. At the time it can feel as though the depression will last forever. In this stage it is important to understand that your sadness is an appropriate response following the loss of a loved one. 

Acceptance. Acceptance is not about reaching a stage of ‘being ok’ again. It is about accepting the reality that your loved one is no longer with you and the acceptance of the emotions you will experience because of this. We learn to reorganise roles and routines. We also begin to find enjoyment in other aspects of our lives and learn to live with the simultaneous experience of experiencing joy while also living in the sadness of the loss we have experienced.

 If you are affected by grief you can talk to your GP, call Samaritans or speak to someone at organisations such as Cruise Bereavement.